


All That's Lost

by Astara (shiverelectric)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Dark, F/M, Implied Character Death, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-08
Updated: 2004-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-16 22:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiverelectric/pseuds/Astara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco had never loved anyone before until he met her. Then, when she disappeared, his life went into a downward spiral only she could rescue him from. An angsty songfic for a post-Hogwarts Draco. Song lyrics from Alien Ant Farm's Rubber Mallet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That's Lost

_...I think up North on Valentine._

 

The bar was crowded. Through the smoky haze, Draco watched her enter. At first, he thought she was her, but no, that wasn't possible. None of them ever were. He ordered another G and T.

 

  
_Maybe we drink to old friends._   


 

She sat at the counter a few seats down from him. They made eye contact, and she coyly looked away to order her drink. When the bartender went past Draco again, he instructed the guy to put all her drinks on his tab. He could afford it, after all.

 

When he looked down again, he saw the bartender point to him. She knew he paid for her drink. He nodded once, then took another swing of his. After a few moments, he felt the presence of the woman sit beside him.

 

He was used to women approaching him in bars by now. Hell, even other guys hit on him. He eyed her surreptitiously. She was wearing a red evening gown. He thought it was odd attire for such a setting. She was leggy, and well endowed in other areas, too. But it was her red hair that attracted him the most.

 

They made small talk for a while. She flashed her pretty smiles. Draco was the perfect gentleman. As the night winded down, he draped his arm around her shoulders. He winked at the bartender as they left for his place.

 

They had more cocktails in his apartment in the city. The night dragged on. She was intoxicated, and not only from the alcohol. Draco smiled.

 

Clothes littered the floor. The red gown was forgotten. The woman screamed his name.

 

The sheets were tangled around their bodies. Draco lit a cigarette and took a long drag. The woman was asleep, her head settled into the crook of his arm. He didn't even know her name.

 

  
_You should go, she's on my mind again._   


 

Draco waited until she awoke. It was early dawn. She looked into his eyes with the look of soft love developing. His silver eyes were cold. He lashed out and kicked her out. She cried as she ran out the building half-dressed. She didn't know who she was involved with.

 

Draco went to the bathroom and splashed his face with ice cold water. He had did it again and knew why he did it. Because he could. Because he couldn't have her.

 

 

Couldn't have Ginny. Hadn't seen her since her last year at Hogwarts. He still remembered the last time he'd seen her. That was the last time he was happy.

 

  
_So I reminisce thoughts, try and be true._   


 

  
_Takes me back_   


 

He thought of those times they had together fondly. All the happy memories he _ever_ had was from those times. Ever since fourth year, he adored her. Then he asked her out to the Yuletide Ball the next and she accepted. He was happy and didn't give a damn what their families would say.

 

Ginny was the light in his world of dark. Now that the light was extinguished, he'd be forever lost in the dark.

 

  
_When I had to choose,_   


 

  
_And I don't ever lose._   


 

Malfoys don't lose and he would not lose her to Potter. He noticed how he began to pay more attention after that dance. Draco of course wondered if she only used him to make Potter jealous, but one look into her large trusting eyes set his mind at ease. Only Virginia could get him to get along with Potter and her brother, but they treated each other amiably enough.

 

Then he saw how other Slytherins took to the situation. He then knew he had a choice. He could kill his feelings for the girl like he'd done so many times before, or change himself and love her and be loved.

 

  
_Someone's making me love_   


 

  
_And I don't think it's you._   


 

Yes, in retrospect, he loved her. Now she wasn't around anymore. He didn't know where the hell she was. Even if she were alive and still wanted him, he wouldn't want to drag her down to the depths he'd reached. He loved her too much for that.

 

So he hung out in bars all the time and picked up any woman interested in him. Hoping to find another woman that can make him feel the way she did, but knowing he never would. So he settled for just using them.

 

  
_Sleep, and I don't ever dream._   


 

He stared into the mirror. He thought he saw a blur of red behind him and he turned quickly. He felt he was losing his mind. He closed his eyes and saw her vividly. Being with her was a dream come true, but then again, his dreams were always nightmares.

 

  
_Someone caught me lying and I don't ever dream._   


 

For almost three years, he lived in near bliss because he had her. She even agreed to a secret wedding with just the two of them and her friends, but she was to keep her maiden name until school was over for her.

 

Then Lucius found out her last year of school. Draco figured he'd been too careless. He tried to hide the fact of their relationship, but then just settled with trying to convince him that he was using her. Lucius saw through the lies Draco made to protect her, and he threatened her life.

 

  


  
_Indecision breaks my vision, and I don't give a damn._

 

 

Draco was mortified. His father knew just how to get him. He didn't threaten Draco; he went straight for the kill.

 

And he hesitated. Draco can still see the cold, cruel smile spread over his father's face and how he was thrust to the wall as Lucius moved past him. He realized in horror what he'd done and became numb. Still was.

 

  


  
_Reminisce thoughts, try and be true,_   


  


  
_Played you out, was not good._   


 

Now he was burdened with not knowing what happened to her. On her graduation, he watched from afar, wanting to go to her. She didn't even know he was there. She seemed happy. Potter was there. Draco told him to watch after her. Some job he did. She disappeared a few days later with no trace. Even the Weasleys' clock couldn't help them figure it out.

 

  
_Reminisce thoughts, try and be true,_   


  


  
_Then I played you out_   


 

Draco finished his shower and quickly dressed. It was still early. He would go for a walk in the chill of the morning. The cold air helped him clear his mind of the memories he relived every day of his life since.

 

  
_Like a Rubix Cube,_   


  


  
_And I don't ever lose,_   


  


  
_Someone's making me love_   


  


  
_And I don't think it's you._   


 

He pulled the coat tighter around him and stuffed his hands into the pockets. He walked aimlessly. He arrived at the lake, the only place he could stand to go besides bars. He sat on the benched and waited for the day to pass.

 

A girl with auburn hair caught his eye. He watched her go by and felt the familiar dull ache in his heart. She looked just about the same age Ginny would be at this time. He sighed. He knew it wasn't her.

 

  
_Free from all disease now,_   


  


  
_I'm clean._   


  


  
_You just punched a hole_   


  


  
_And it won't seem to bleed._   


 

But that same aching came, every time. It was irrational of him to feel that way. He didn't want to feel anything.

 

Yet the only thing he couldn't feel now was love. Not even for himself. Any feelings of that kind went away long ago. There was a void inside him now nothing could fill or replace.

 

  
_Only, only two of us._   


  


  
_Only the two of us._   


 

"Only you, Virginia Malfoy," he murmured into the wind.

 

  
_When I had to choose,_   


  


  
_And I don't ever lose._   


  


  
_Someone's making me love_   


  


  
_And I don't think it's you_   


 

  
_Free from all disease now_   


  


  
_I'm clean._   


  


  
_You just punched a hole_   


  


  
_And it won't seem to bleed._   


 

  
_Indecision breaks my vision, (and it won't seem to bleed)_   


  


  
_So I reminisce thoughts, try and be true._   


 

No matter the future, he lived for his past. Days turned into years, but he lived for all that's lost. His life, his love, and his dreams that he can never have back.

  



End file.
